the power of the human spirit and of community and culture is so mindbendingly powerful. you don't really understand how much this is really the case until something just absolutely devastating happens. we were all searching - for her - we mentioned it - we all did. why isn't she here to be helping us through this? she's the one who should be here, and instead we...and she's...
therapy went too well this week, so maybe that made it feel doubly awful. i shouldn't internalize it. it's not my fault - it's not my fault. and yet ...
well. i've been having some strange thoughts about my own spirituality this week. maybe it's a way to not think about my own mortality. c'est la vie.
you know....come to think of it, i've never....
ah...there's a lot of things ive never done. there's a lot of things i'd like to do. isn't it just crazy how mcuh can just go wrong so quickly? you can't even imagine something like this happening. how do you conceive of it. so many things in this world are so so beautiful but there is so much hardship along with it. i don't know how to feel about it.
i think there's just something to be said about the fact that to me, religion isn't true per se. it's me trying to describe the sort of ecstasy of life...i suppose? some kind of sensual reality. maybe i'm a natural born pervert or something, hahaha.
it's not that i think any religion is particularly true or false. it's that i think religion isn't about the oppressive portions, but rather the portions that try to capture what a mystifying thing it is that we are all alive and here and all things have led to this moment.
don't we all want to be comfortable? don't we all deserve to be so? how have we gotten to this point? the ways religion has been misused! i think it's meaningful that nature worship is one of the earlier forms of religion. that, i think, is what the goal ought to be. we're trying to find meaning - an explanation - a rationalization. some kind of explanation for how this led to that led to that led to this, this, **this**.
magic isn't real but i want it to be.
i really love learning what people like..................what they believe! i think thats what being human means. that so many people believe so many things such that surely no one is correct is just so beautiful. it hink it implies a broader truth about us and our yearning for. everything. for the world. for meaning. its so lovely. i dont know!
someday i want to be understood
maybe someday ill be satisifed. alas
i believe in god because i must. i see god in everything, so it would be difficult if I didn't. but beyond that--what else do you call it when you see the way the sky and the trees look on a beautiful day? what else do you call it when someone smiles and compliments you in public? ought not that to be god?
by l, in a fit of passion (or otherwise)